There was something about the text message I just read that seemed off to me. It didn’t sound like my friend Gabby at all (not her real name).

Early warning signs

Things had been growing tense between us for about a year prior to the events I’m about to describe. Ever since I’d moved back to Houston at the end of 2018, I was slowly beginning to realize that my friend of 30+ years had changed, and picking up where we left off wasn’t going to be as seamless as I’d hoped.

Initially, we’d been work friends, but even after we both left the company where we met, the bond was strong enough that maintaining our friendship easily weathered the challenges of boyfriends, husbands, divorces, distance, and even, yes, even—huge political differences. She’d always been a Republican; I’d always been a Democrat; yet we’d always been able to navigate those waters and be respectful of each other’s opinions and feelings.

But in the interim, while I’d been living in Rockport, Texas, Donald Trump got elected president. While I figured she’d voted for him like she’d voted for every other Republican candidate who came before him, he’d never come up once for discussion in any long-distance email or phone conversation we’d ever had. So I had no idea that she’d become a full-fledged, die-hard Trump supporter until I’d moved back to Houston about 2 years before the 2020 elections, when campaign season was swinging into full gear.

In early 2020, the growing tensions between two old friends had everything to do with what the world was grappling with then (COVID-19 on the rampage and being isolated in our homes, frustrated that we couldn’t get together, or see anyone else); being on opposite sides of a very ugly presidential campaign (she was for Trump, I was for ANY Democratic candidate who might be able to take him down, but not a particular fan of Biden); and she was unemployed (let go from BP after 15 years, and increasingly desperate over her inability to land even an interview for more than a year). Looking back, our phone conversations were sometimes hours long and filled with angst, constant complaints, political barbs, and worry over all of the above. It seemed there was very little to be happy about.

It shouldn’t have been any surprise that our friendship was heading for a breaking point, but still when it happened, it came as a shock.

Cartoon image of two women standing back to backThe month before the election was birthday month for both of us—we both had October birthdays, exactly 2 weeks apart, and we always had dinner together if both of us were in town. Mine came first, on October 14. By this time in Texas, the COVID situation was starting to get under control, and restaurants had started reopening in Houston. We were both excited about the possibility of getting back out into some of our favorite haunts! But I was surprised that I hadn’t heard from her regarding my birthday, so I just broached the subject during one of our weekly phone calls.

“Hey Gabby, I’ve found a great new Thai restaurant up near me in the Heights. Do you want to try that tomorrow night for my birthday?”

She replied flatly, “Sorry, I’ve got plans for tomorrow night. Maybe some other time.”

That was it. None of the usual “I’ve got a card and a gift for you, but XYZ has come into town out of the blue and I just can’t make it and I’m so sorry. Can we take a rain check on a such-and-such night?”

I tried to recover from that slap in the face with as much grace as I could and got off the phone. I didn’t confront her, no “What the hell? What plans do you have, I know for a fact you never go anywhere??” Maybe I should have. I was a bit in shock and I just let it go, and spent my birthday alone at that same Thai restaurant, trying to do something nice for myself.

About a week and a half later, her birthday was approaching, only this was a big one for her: she was turning 60. I tried to put the insult of mine behind, and be upbeat for her: what was her family planning for her big birthday? She replied “Absolutely nothing. My brother is out of town, my sister is not coming in from Austin, my other sister is not coming in from San Antonio, my sister-in-law said she might take me to lunch next week sometime. I don’t want to do anything. I want to spend the day in bed.”

“Why??” I asked, very surprised. “Why is no one doing anything special for you? They don’t seem to have a problem throwing parties for themselves!” (Which was true; she had an extremely wealthy family and they hosted some very high-brow events that they expected her to attend.) When I thought back to the amazing party my family threw for me when I turned 60, I was appalled that her family was sending her the message that they basically didn’t give a shit. No wonder her self-esteem was so low.

At that, she got very defensive, and said if she wanted to do nothing to celebrate this birthday, that was her decision and it was none of my business. So I just backed off, and quietly said that if she changed her mind and wanted to eat dinner out somewhere, I’d go out with her, and left it at that. I regretted that I’d opened my mouth at all. Clearly something had shifted in our friendship and the rules had changed.

Much to my surprise, a few days later I got a text from her, stating that she had changed her mind. If I still wanted to have dinner with her on her birthday, she wanted to go out. So just the two of us celebrated her 60th birthday at the expensive Federal Grill on the Upper West End, although the conversation was stilted. She never apologized for ditching me on my birthday and I didn’t bring it up, but it was the elephant in the room. It was also painfully obvious that I was being a gracious friend to her on a day when her own family and other friends couldn’t be bothered. Even after all that, it was the last time we would see each other.

Election 2020

Exactly a week later, election day rolled around. Within a day or two Biden was tentatively called as the winner; then a few days later still, as more states confirmed their vote counts, the results seemed more certain. I didn’t hear from Gabby, which was odd. Trump still hadn’t conceded the election, which was odd. A full week went by and there seemed to be no doubt: Biden had won, regardless of whether Trump agreed or not.

At about the 1-week point after the election, I reached out to her by text:

Me: “So, how are you doing?”

Her: “I’m doing good – nothing new with me. How about you?”

Me: “Nothing new? Well, I’m ecstatic but I would imagine you are not. Just wanted to make sure you’re ok…..Beyond that I’m busy getting ready for my brother and his wife to visit here in about a month, so racing around getting my place settled and ready for that. Esp my guest room, which was full of boxes still. Feeling fried.”

Her: “Just an FYI for you: the mainstream media does not call elections. It is far from over. But the mainstream media does not cover all the corruption…we shall see what happens!”

Me: “Wow.”

Me: “You know, I sent you a message because I was concerned that I hadn’t heard from you. I can see now that probably my concern was misplaced.”

A day later, I got this response, which is the out-of-character one that I opened this post with:

Her: “I think we are having too many unhappy moments. Maybe we could try this again in the future.”

Image of keyboard with "what happened?!" on Enter keyI read that over and over. What the hell did that mean? Especially the phrase “too many unhappy moments” just did not sound like Gabby at all; that was not something she would say. It actually didn’t sound like something any normal person would say. It niggled in my brain for about half a day, bugging me. Where on earth did that come from??

That evening, feeling suspicious, I popped that exact phrase into Google®, and lo and behold, on the very first line of the search results, a blog post came up:

“50 Polite Ways To Tell Someone to Screw Off And Never Speak To You Again” on the web site www.thoughtcatalog.com. I clicked on the link and opened the post. I started reading, reading…and I’ll be damned, there it was: No. 37 of 50: word for word, exactly what she had sent to me in the text.

I was stunned. I sat there imagining my friend of 30 years, who I’ve never said a bad word against, who I’ve never had a confrontation with, but clearly she’d reached a point where she’d had enough of me. Enough so that she went searching on the Internet for an easy way to end our friendship, by reading through insulting blog posts for something that had just the right tone, just the right phrasing, just what she was looking for. Because she didn’t have the nerve to just tell me: I need a break from you, from us.

My emotions ran the gamut of “don’t even dignify this with a response” to “can’t we talk about this?” to unleashing the full force of my pent-up anger and hurt at being disrespected and taken advantage of on her. I was tempted to lash out at her by saying, “I would have thought you learned in college that Rule #1 of plagiarism is that you always need to change up a few words—it keeps you from getting caught so easily.”

But in the end, I sent the very web site back to her that I found the blog post on, and said: “It’s sad that you can’t be original even when you are telling me to get lost.” This was more than a year ago and I’ve never heard from her since.

Picking up the pieces

How did I process all of this?

I’m far from a licensed therapist, so I’d hesitate to say, “If a friend cuts you off, just follow these five easy steps and you’ll be good to go.” So I will just say that these are the five takeaways I can see clearly, after hurting over this loss for about 18 months. If this helps you in some way, then maybe sharing this has done some good:

1. We either valued the relationship differently, or we had grown apart

People who cut off a friendship abruptly either didn’t value it in the first place, or the friendship no longer held any value for them. For whatever reason, she saw a future without me as preferable to a future with me. What we had together reached a point of diminishing returns for her. It didn’t matter that I saw it differently, and I had to accept that.

2. Trump was just a catalyst, not the flame itself

If it hadn’t been Trump, something else would have become the breaking point. I realize this now—we could have easily found ourselves on opposite sides of the vaccination issue, for example, or any number of hot-button issues that are tearing people apart these days. If your friendship is that fragile, anything can set it off.

3. There were (huge) extenuating circumstances

The fact of her continued unemployment may have loomed larger than I gave it credit for, and weighed heavily on her psyche. About 6 months after this incident, I recall wondering if she ever found a job. I looked her up on LinkedIn®, where I knew she had a profile, but was confused that her name didn’t come up. Then I realized: she’d blocked me. Whether she was working or not, she didn’t want me to know.

In addition, we both were single and lived alone. So the issue of COVID and the isolation it brought hit both of us particularly hard. The shock of not being able to go anywhere or see anyone whatsoever made us go a little crazy, I think. She had family in town, but I did not. Also, all my other close friends had already moved away by the time I moved back to Houston, so she became a real lifeline for me. Probably it had become too much for her, and I realized too late that I depended on her for more than I should have. Instead of all those incessant, long conversations, I should have been having Facetime conversations with my family and other long-distance friends.

4. She was repeating relationship patterns

It’s cowardly to end a friendship, or any relationship, like that. But it was all she could do. And that says more about her than about me. In the previous 2 years, she’d often talked about the heartbreak of being “ghosted” by a boyfriend she’d dated for 12 years, and now ironically, she was doing the same to me. She was continuing the cycle of abandonment that had become a familiar way to end relationships.

5. It freed me to move on to healthier relationships

As for myself, it freed me up to pour my energies into people and issues where I can make a difference and have an impact. It’s a relief to know that I can spend time with like-minded people without having to constantly walk on eggshells. If someone decides that who I am or who I’ve become is not worthy of their time, moving on is in the best interest of both parties.

None of this feels very good to talk about or admit. Yet I suspect that everyone reading this has experienced something similar at least once in their life—lost a good friend, either with no warning at all, or with lots of red flags along the way. Either way, we need to learn to move on and build a better future with healthier relationships. If it feels difficult to trust again, which is common after the trauma of losing someone you’ve poured decades of your life into, start small. Baby steps. I’ll be right there with you.

If you have a similar story to tell or have a unique perspective on the sudden loss of a friendship or the ghosting issue, please share it in the comments below.

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21 Responses

  1. I disagree with the portion of your text stating, “Nothing new? Well, I’m ecstatic but I would imagine you are not.” I won’t assume what your intentions might have been, and I’m outside the context of your 30-year friendship, but that portion of the text comes across as loaded, unequivocal goading. Her “ghosting” might be a passive-aggressive response to this. Had you channeled the Chief Minister of Communications who resides in the prefrontal cortex, I think this portion of the text would not have been approved for dissemination.

    1. “the Chief Minister of Communications who resides in the prefrontal cortex”? Sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about. What I do know is, she was free to tell me if she disagreed with anything I said or any way I approached anything, and chose not to. She took the coward’s way out. I can’t respect that.

      1. Nevertheless, the only way I can interpret the text “Nothing new? Well, I’m ecstatic but I would imagine you are not” is as a form of goading and gloating. I would anticipate a fair number of people would agree, and perhaps she is a member of this group. If the identical comment were to be spoken, then perhaps inflection and modulation of the voice might convey condolence and enduring friendship that transcends political tribalism. But unfortunately, sometimes the simplest text offers the clarity of an undecipherable alien script. In any event, I believe the matter is worth honest and thorough self-reflection, don’t you agree?

        As for the unique Chief Minister of Communications who resides in each person’s prefrontal cortex, we can all attest that this position enjoys numerous vacation days and hence an unoccupied chair.

  2. Texas is toxic for female friendships.

    Your story is similar to mine, except that I had to be the person to block my extremely racist and sexist female friend from ever contacting me again because she kept saying vile things on social media and refused to admit Trump lost, let alone is racist and sexist.

    We, too, had known each other for over 30 years, but her Republicanism grew more Rabid after she moved to Texas.

    1. I’m not sure that experience is unique to Texas. However, I don’t want to get into a discussion of Trump here; it wasn’t the intent of my post. Thanks for commenting.

  3. Bottom line Gail, I think your friend was very depressed. Think about it, lost her job, covid came with all that came with it, turning 60 is a real big deal to some people facing their mortality perhaps for the first time. All the stuff about D Trump etc, those are just clutter in a person’s life. Wish her well in your spirit and do exactly what you have done. But don’t discount severe depression as the root cause of a lot of this you are describing. Well done piece.

    1. Shannon, I’m sure you are right. As I said, I’m no therapist. When someone cuts you off, all you can do is speculate as to their mindset and motivations, and many times those speculations are wrong. Thanks for commenting,

      Gail

  4. Thanks for sharing Gail. I’m sorry that this happened to you, but as you said, it’s most likely happened to many people. Our country has become so polarized on many levels. My dilemma is that this has happened in my family, a bit more complicated since I don’t want to walk away from my family, nor would I over something like this. Thankfully blood is thicker than politics and vaccines. It’s sad though and hard. Love bears all things. Take care and praying the next good friend is right around the corner.

    1. Charlotte,

      I didn’t want to make this post any longer than it already was, but yes, I’m familiar with stories of this same thing happening within families and even within marriages. And you’re right, you have to try even harder to “agree to disagree” when it’s family that stands to be destroyed over politics. Yet still it happened; I’ve read about it in the newspaper and now it’s coming out in memoirs. What a divisive time we’ve lived in! 2020 was surely a perfect storm: election + COVID + massive unemployment = CHAOS!!

  5. Gail you once again shared a chapter of your life beautifully. No politician is worth giving up a friendship for, but as you pointed out, if it wasn’t Trump, it might have been something else for her. When a dear friend of mine lost her daughter to an overdose, she couldn’t talk to me for years.. too many memories when around me. She is slowly coming back into my life, but my expectations are different. It’s hard as she was one of my best friends in Chicago for 27 years and our children grew up together. Her daughter that died was very close to my daughter michelle for many years.. our daughters took different paths after high school, and sadly it shortened her life. I just love and pray for my dear friend who suffers everyday having lived out the fear that became a reality.. grace goes a long way. Thanks again for sharing your story. I think your friend will realize what a gem you are, as good, loyal friends are a gift and not overly abundantly in this world.

    1. Thank you Sherri. “good, loyal friends are a gift and not overly abundant in this world” – I love that. We may never fully understand why someone reaches a breaking point, and they may or may not come back. If she does, like you, my expectations and my approach will be different. I’m sorry for your friend; I can’t imagine a heartbreak like that, or standing by and feeling helpless. You too have been through a trauma!

    1. Well, I have to agree. The bigger question is, why would someone value Trump over ANYONE, when you know he doesn’t give a shit about THEM?! That is some misguided loyalty there. Thanks for your support, as always!

  6. Thanks for sharing what remains after our country has collapsed and caved from pandemic/election, etc. I too drifted from many friendships/Trumpers and Anti whatever’s. A long time friend and I were walking one day and she lost it, screaming I have PROOF this election was rigged. I wound up laughing about it all. She finally says, I think it’s best we don’t speak about it! How did the people we love become extremists and radicals in a split second??? Baffles me. I shall remain in my little corner, avoiding the news, political forums etc. Pray for our nation, help someone less fortunate and try and keep our opinions to ourselves!

    1. I think your last sentence sums it up beautifully. Especially “help someone less fortunate.” It’s the best thing we can do when feeling sorry for ourselves, as it really puts things in perspective. Life isn’t so bad when we realize: I’m not living under a bridge, yet. Thanks for commenting!

      Gail

  7. I had a friendship of over 20 years end after I posted a mene of Fauci giggling over Trump getting covid. I was told by her that she was “drawing a hard line with people who have hate in their heart.” I think this mimicked something she heard in church but I truly believe that Jesus would never have behaved this way. I grieve this friendship daily. My heart is shredded.

    1. I think someday, the friends, family members, and spouses who have walked away over loyalty to this man will regret it. As he had no loyalty to them. In the meantime, all we can do is try to move forward and seek charitable ways to heal our hearts. It really does work!

    2. I don’t like trump but I also don’t like people who post nasty things. I want my feed to be pleasant. I would have snoozed you

      1. You may have misunderstood my story – this was not a Facebook post. It was a personal text message. And nothing I sent to her could be construed as “nasty.”

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